Yet another Assessment.

Matthew had another assessment yesterday. It didn't go quite as well as the one we had a month ago, so I was disappointed.
I supposed I'd set myself up with an expectation that we would go in, and that they therapist would spend all of 5 minutes with my son and tell me that he is perfectly fine and at a 3 yr old level, and not to worry, things are just peachy.
Instead, I came in with a boy that would not sit down, would not make eye contact and performed poorly on several 'tasks' that he was asked to do. In his defense though, they were kind of boring tasks, and I myself would not like someone enticing me with multicoloured blocks and then dictating what I was to build with them.

First she asked him to build a train (3 blocks with one on top). He tried to pile his blocks on top of hers. She insisted that he build his own train. He insisted that he would rather lay them all flat and build "a rainbow" instead.
Then she told him to build a bridge.
He built another rainbow.
"How about a tower?" she suggested.
Matthew became interested in the markers instead.
Changing tactics - she appealed to his sense of destruction, and ordered him to build a wall using four blocks (2 on bottom, 2 on top)to knock down later. He had a difficult time immitating her wall, and clearly got frustrated that he couldn't built the wall from the top down. He did enjoy tearing her wall down though.
She decided to switch gears and get out the paper and markers, since he clearly wasn't cooperating with blocks.
While she was getting the paper out, he built a block tower of 11 blocks - Show-off.
At this point, he got to pick one marker to draw with. He picked a blue one.
She started off by holding up cards with shapes on them, and asking him to draw the shape.
He tried to colour her card.
No no, she explained - draw on the paper - can you draw this? (Holding up a card with a large circle on it).
Matthew drew a balloon.
She was pleased - He was doing very well.
Can you draw this? (Holding up a card with a + sign on it)
Matthew insisted that this was a fan, and drew another balloon.
No matter what she asked him to draw, he responded with "Look, another balloon". She may as well have been talking to a brick wall for all the attention he paid to her. He also switched hands twice in the process, confirming what I had told his paediatrician that he had not established a distinct hand dominance yet.
She asked if he knew his letters. "Yes, but not consistently" was my response.
Same for numbers. Some days he knows them all, other days it's like he's just guessing at random.
I was positive however that he knew all his colours.

Matthew chose this time during the assessment to tell me that he urgently had to go to the bathroom.
On the way back, I told him to find the room we were in, it had a bright orange door.
He walked straight to a blue door pronouncing "Here it is".
"Matthew, is that orange?" I asked him. "Yes" he assured me, making me look like a complete and utter liar right in front of the therapist (No really he does know his colours)!

Already sensing that this assessment was not getting the results I was expecting, I waited quietly, almost deflated as she put him through more coordination tasks, often cupping his chin to establish eye contact, to which he finally got fed up and put his hands over his eyes and put his head on my lap and absolutely refused to do anything more, removing them only to ask me whether it was time to go now.

All in all, it took almost 1 hour. At the end of the hour, she told me that he had improved in some areas, and that his speech was terrific (It had never been a problem at any time). She put his cognitive age at 29-30 months, which is 7 months delayed.
She was still concerned with the poor eye contact, the poor listening, overfocusing and what she termed as "markers" that indicate some sort of pervasive development disorder, not necessarily autism, but enough that she suggested we still keep the appointment we had made with the medical director at Grandview Childrens Centre in August, and to get the ADOS* testing done.

All the progress that I thought we had made was destroyed in that hour. My confidence is shaken, and I am back to feeling scared and nervous that his problems may escalate once he starts school, and progress even more if he doesn't successully manage to navigate the school system well enough to get by.

I am scared that he may be mildly autistic after all.

I am scared that he is so inconsistent from one assessment to the next, that they are not getting an accurate picture of him.

I am scared because some days he is so frighteningly and maddeningly normal and then out of the blue he will lay down on the floor prostrate, humming to himself because there is too much visual/auditory/tactile stimulation for him to process so he just shuts it all out. It doesn't happen that often, but often enough to worry me that it's not "quite normal".

I am scared, because I love him so much, and want SO BADLY for him to not struggle, not to be labeled, not to be taken advantage of, not to be bullied. I want the assurance that this boy who I know to be fiercely intelligent, will be seen as such, and not as lazy, disobedient, unruly, naughty, or willful.
The therapist said he "has an agenda of his own" which is, I suppose, a nicer way of saying he is stubborn as a mule, and unyielding to authority.

Is it just my motherly defense mechanism kicking in when I say he's intelligent? He is. He doesn't forget anything - ever. He has a perfectly photographic memory. Am I trying to excuse his behaviour when I say that I think he's bored? I think he gets into trouble out of boredom, and lack of direction. He has a tremendous amount of energy, and needs a focus or outlet for it, other than kicking his brother, and dumping things. Am I a bad mother for eagerly anticipating the school year and the upcoming separation of these boys?The fighting and bickering and scrapping they do on a daily basis serves only to get them both into trouble, and make everybody unhappy.

I am growing increasingly frustrated with the process of all this "assessing". Is it really just wasting my time? We've been "assessing" for a year now, with 3 formal assessments, and at least 7 doctors/therapists. I am anxious for a firm diagnosis, something in writing that I can use to get him the help he needs, rather than placing him on waiting list after waiting list.
Nobody said raising kids would be easy. But does it have to be this hard? I sometimes feel like I am not up to the challenge of meeting his needs. I feel like I have failed him somehow, to be told he is behind his peers, with no ready explanation for why.
Monday was a difficult day emotionally, which is why I am only just now talking about it. I needed at least 24 hours to let the events of the day sink in. To sort out my own feelings, and not confuse them with my plan of action - Which ultimately is to get my son to act and perform at least at the level he should be at chronologically, if not surpass it. I have high hopes. I pray that it's not just a pipe dream.

*Autism Diagnostic Observation Scale