There was a time when I had reached the depths of grief,
drowning in overwhelming sorrow that consumed me.
And in my head I ran away.
I could not bear to face the world. My friends. My family. Or myself.
I felt numb.
And lost.
And alone in this sadness - even though the burden was not mine alone.
My husband, and our family and our friends shared this sorrow too.
But I withdrew from them.
And it hurt even more.
And the healing began only when I was able to release the sorrow.
It came out in tears.
In heaving sobs,
and heartaching cries,
and wrenching gasps,
so hard that I thought I would suffocate myself in my grief
But it made me stronger.
It made me more compassionate.
It made me vulnerable.
So now I run to help others heal.
5 years later.
And I am not alone.
I never was.
I am running 5 kilometres tomorrow, to benefit the Perinatal Bereavement Society of Ontario.
1 km for each month that Andrew was here.
1 km for each year that Andrew has been gone.
I still miss him. I wonder what our lives would be like with a 5 yr old added into the mix. (more chaotic)
I wonder which of his brothers would he look most like. (I think Matthew)
I weep for me, not for him, for I know my Andrew is safe in Heaven. He does not struggle to breath like he did here.
Many thanks to my cousin Cindy, who wrote to me, and in my heart I knew she knew exactly how I felt - because she'd been there too. I still have her card. It offered me the most comfort out of all that I received and was the only one to acknowledge my anger.
Also, my dad's cousin Luella, who barely knew me, sent me a book*.
It made me cry.
It also started me on the road to healing.
Thankyou.
Mommy, Please don't cry, A beautiful Angel carried me here
Mommy, Please don't cry, When I fall it doesn't hurt!
There are no tears in Heaven.
Mommy, Please don't cry, We have lots of parties here;
with streamers and hats and the best chocolate cake ever!
When it's time to rest, angels tuck us in;
I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here! Jesus is the Light of Heaven.
Mommy, Please don't cry, The angels are always singing;
I love to sing with the angels! You'd be proud of me,
I have a pretty good voice. I must have gotten it from you!
Mommy, Please don't cry, Sometimes I just like to be by myself;
Thats when I think of you!
Someday mommy, we will hold each other tight;
Then you wiill cradle me in your arms and stroke my hair.....
And once again, our hearts will beat together.
Mommy, Please don't cry, I'll wait right here for you.
Andrew William McLeod - Born Feb 27, 2000
*Book by Linda DeYmaz, Illustrations by Sabrina Smith
11 comments:
Oh precious friend.
You made me cry.
I told you everything I needed to tell you earlier.
Love you.
-J
Oh, and your son IS beautiful.
I think that, next year. I want to do a run the same day you do. In memory of Precious Andrew.
I am crying tears of sadness for the pain of your loss and the pain that lingers.
I am crying tears of awe for your strength and willingness to help others through their hurts.
I am crying tears of pride for being lucky enough to know you and to have had you help me through my own loss and recovery.
I am crying tears of joy knowing that Andrew is safe forever and will only ever know joy (and who knows... maybe he's playing with my little sprite up there?)
I am crying tears of wonder at how very very very beautiful he was.
Thank you for sharing him with us,
Love Ya
Julie
I don't know what to say other than you have got to be the strongest woman I know. You and your wonderful family will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.
A (APRILSHANE)
What a precious blog! You made me cry all over again. Oh how great it will be one day to see this precious little jewel in Heaven. Run the race well and we look forward to seeing you after the race.
LYM
Jenn, my heart will be with you as you run tomorrow. May each step bring more healing and joy.
I'm proud of you.
H
Jenn, I don't know Andrew's story but I do know that he must be eternally grateful that he chose you to be his mommy.
Funny that today I wrote about the same heaving and healing sobs that you write about, because of my son....we are more alike than I can even begin to imagine. We are both alos so blessed to have had our children.
( do they have steam cleaners in heaven because a boy of yours and chocolate cake = the need for a steam cleaner, even in heaven!)
Darn it, just when I need the most perfect words...they escape me.
How can I tell you how proud I am of you?
How can I tell you how touched I am that you shared your Beautiful Andrew with all of us?
How can I tell you that I am sure that every step you take, and every kilometre you run tomorrow will take you even farther into the healing process?
How can I tell you that I am crying great heaving sobs for you, but don't Really know where they are coming from?
How can I tell you how Lucky I feel to have you as a friend?
I just can't do it properly. So I will say Good Luck tomorrow. You will, as always, be in my heart.
~Lisa~
Jenn, I am sure that Andrew and Olivia will be watching tomorrow and cheering you on (OCt 31 it will be three years!)I'm proud of you too and wixh I could cheer you on in person, alas I am a bit far off...lym
Good luck today Jenn. Not that you need it, you have an angel with you.
He is a beautiful little boy. Thank you for sharing so much today.
Jenn, I am sitting here at my desk at work, with tears streaming down my face. People are looking at me strangely, but I don't care.
I was so completely moved by this post, I admire your strength so much! Andrew is so special, and you are so amazing to run this race for him. I know he'll be watching you from heaven, cheering you on.
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