I'm sorry

Never were 2 words more difficult for a 4 yr old to say.

My oldest son has always been somewhat bullheaded when it comes to apologising.
Ever since the very first time we requested an apology (he was about 2-1/2, and certainly knew better), he has steadfastly refused.
That first time took nearly 2 hours to coax a "sorry" out of him, and since that time, any time he has been aware of wrongdoing on his part he has opted to either run away, bury his head, or blatently ignore any attempt to get him to apologise.

Having recently read an article in Parents magazine in how to get kids to apologise, I see that I am not the only one facing this problem. Kids under 5 really do have an underdeveloped sense of empathy sometimes.
We are at the point now, where my kids will often say a quick "I'm sorry" simply to appease the adult, and then go on their merry little way, without changing their behaviour. This is basically as effective as not making them say "sorry" at all.
I've tried to tell them that sorry means "I won't do it again" and that it's not funny when you do something to make someone else sad, so it's not good enough to say sorry with a big fat smile on your face, because it's not genuine.

End result? My 4 yr old recently got into a scuff with his 3 yr old brother and before big bad mommy could physically enforce the unwritten "play nicely" rule, he blurted out:

"sorry sorry sorry, and I won't do it again, and it's not funny and......and....what else?" All in one breath, and with zero emotion. If I hadn't realized that he was not really sorry but simply parroting whatever he thought would best keep him out of trouble, it would be hilarious to listen to.

When our older boys fight, we make them apologise by shaking hands and saying "We are brothers". Then they both giggle and run away, friends again for the next 2 minutes.

But today. Something happened to my 4 yr old.
He learned Empathy.

They boys each have their own umbrellas - big yellow ones that look like ducks. They like to play with them in the house, and since I'm not superstitious, I let them. I would rather them play with their umbrellas, then getting into my steam cleaner, or watching TV ad nauseum anyway. They like to take them outside and play with the garden hose, trying to soak each other, and protect themselves with umbrellas - typical kid fun. Until Duncan took Daddy's umbrella off the hook.

Matthew (3) came running to me first to let me know "Duncan has the black umbrella".
This is not tattling. This is good solid information that I need to know.

In any case, my directions to please put daddy's umbrella back - Now went unheeded.
Moments later I went outside to check on them, and he was struggling to put the black umbrella down. I noticed one of the spokes had broken.
"Uh oh" I said. "It looks like you may have broken daddy's umbrella, he won't be happy about that" and I put it back.

Now, in addition to empathy, we are also attempting to teach the boys the value of money, and that it doesn't grow on trees, or just mysteriously emerge from the ATM in the form of 20$ bills. They love playing with coins, and they each earned a dime this morning for helping me empty the dishwasher without being asked. They also earned an additional 5cents for playing nicely in the morning without fighting.
They know that a candy necklace costs $0.25 and that we are going to the store this afternoon. I will not give them money, but if they want to spend the money they EARNED on a candy necklace they could.
Duncan however, lost 5 cents when I took the broken black umbrella away, and said it would cost money to fix it or buy a new one, and if he was going to take things and break them, then it would be his money that fixed it.

it was a whole 5 minutes before he came to me, his lip trembling, and tears welling up in his eyes.
I knew he was upset about losing his money, but figured it to be an angry upset, not this terrible sadness and hurt in his expression. He is at heart a sensitive boy.
As I scooped him up and rocked with him in a rocking chair, the tears fell.
No words came out of his mouth, only silent sobs as his body heaved in remorseful sadness.
"Are you upset because daddy's umbrella got broken?" I gently inquired
"Yes" he managed to squeak out between sniffly sobs.

At this point, it's hard to be a mom.
The urge to protect him and hold and hug and tell him everything was ok was strong.
But I still wanted him to learn the lesson that breaking other peoples stuff has consequences.
So I held him silently.
He said he didn't feel good. I told him that guilt makes us feel bad.
"The guilt is yucky" he said.
"I know" I replied with an inward chuckle "that's why it's important to listen and obey and do the right thing when I tell you to"
"I need a cookie with chocolate chips to make me feel better" he informed me.
hugs are better. and I ended up getting out the cookies in due time.

They don't have enough to get a candy necklace today. Thats good. Make them work for it.
The money they managed to keep has been misplaced.
They will have to learn responsibility.
Tough lessons these are.
But the rewards will end up being long lasting and far greater than a candy necklace.