Here we go again

We had a meeting yesterday with Duncan's kindergarten teacher.
She had requested it, before the regular parent/teacher interviews to discuss a few things.

I was expecting a 15 minute meeting where she told us that he was a bit mischievous and didn't like colouring (which I knew) and there have been a few incidents that she had mentioned previously that I chalked up to him being 4 yrs old and still getting used to being in school full days.

What we got was an hour and a half of her outlining specific social problems that are serious.
She is not a doctor, but has worked with a number of special needs kids in the past and of course she mentioned Autism Spectrum DIsorder as a very real possibility - without knowing that we have spent the last year and a bit having Matthew assessed for that very same thing.

It honestly felt like a big kick in the gut, and I admit that I broke down and cried right there in front of her, as she listed her concerns, and I knew - I KNEW she was right, but in the back of my mind, I simply did not want to acknowledge that I may have TWO autistic boys.

I am kicking myself that I didn't see the warning signs. I mean, I picked up on Matthews problems very early on - so why was I so blind to my oldest son? Perhaps it was the fact that he just seemed so advanced - I just never for a moment considered that he was anything other than extremely intelligent (which I have been reassured by his teacher he is extremely advanced, and that is often a coping mechanism for kids with a social dysfunction to focus on academics).
In retrospect it makes so much sense. His obsession with water, hoses, nozzles and the like. His constant need for repetitive counting. Last night he counted up past 200 and was well on his way to 300 when Daddy took him to the Home Depot so I could put Matthew to bed in peace. I have no doubt that he could count to 1000 with minimal prodding.
But he doesn't know how to interract with the other kids. His teacher says she can see that he wants to join in, but isn't quite sure how to go about it.

So we are at square 1 with him. Only this time, I am prepared. We have researched and spent so much time getting the resources for our middle son that I know where to begin. We begin at the beginning - and rule out everything else.
It is frustrating to have Matthew make such giant leaps forward this year, only to see our older son taking steps backward. (in our minds).

I honestly don't know how to feel. Relieved that we are finding this out early, and not in 2nd or 3rd grade when he has already been ostracized, or devastated that the boy I thought would love school and excel is not living up to MY expectations.
I know I need to drop those. He is the same boy I had yesterday, and the day before. Nothing has changed except our knowledge of what is going on inside his brain.

I may take a little time off blogging for a while to absorb this - and to spend some much needed time with my boys.