The DMV - Department of Maddening Vermin

So today is July 10th, the day before my birthday, and even though I've had my license renewal form in my hot little hands for well over 2 months, it's been lost and found and lost and found and I've procrastinated to the point where I cannot procrastinate any more. My license expires tomorrow.
I suppose I could procrastinate yet another day, but who wants to spend their birthday in the DMV? Not me.

So today was the day I ventured out. Since I required a new picture this year, I put makeup on including mascara, for like the first time in months, a clean shirt, brushed my hair, made sure I didn't look like the 93 yr old mom of wild and crazy boys that I FELT like, and hopped into the car, confident that it wouldn't take me TOO long.

Oh how quickly we forget our previous experiences at the DMV.

There is an advantage however to actually living just OUTSIDE of the 2million+ population city. We have our own DMV here in the sticks. We are much smaller than our neighbouring city you see, and so is our DMV.

When I arrived, I actually got a parking spot directly in front of the door. This was misleading - since I assumed that my primo parking spot meant that they weren't that busy. They were. I just happened to luck out and get a primo parking spot.


I wrestled my way into the single door that is absolutely NOT wheelchair accessible unless the poor person in the wheelchair has a 12" wide seat. Open the door because I am able bodied (so they keep telling me) and practically step on the heels of the guy at the end of a long snaking disorganized lineup. Great. Why must everybody be born in July? Why must everyone procrastinate and wait until the last possible minute? I cannot truly gripe since I am guilty on both counts. So I wait.

I am sure the DMV chose the smallest unit possible in this rental facility. In it they have squished 4 tellers, 2 cameras/screens and a large bulletin board guaranteed to make you feel like an idiot. It has signs on it that say "You must know your license plate number and mileage to renew your plate stickers". I'm already feeling small because I don't know what our license plate is. We get a different company car each year, complete with new plates, and I just never pay much attention to it. I realize that I don't need to know - I'm just renewing my license.

75.00 for the privilege of having a little plasticized card with a horrid picture of me on it. they are kind enough to put height on, but not weight. My height is wrong on my license. I've actually grown since I was 16 but haven't bothered to change the height on my license - nobody has found out yet, and I'm confident I will not go to jail for being taller than the 165cm listed on my plastic card.

After much waiting around, and being annoyed at things like the two chaps ahead of me who are having a conversation and not advancing in the line. There is piles of room towards the front of the line, and these two bozos are oblivious to the 14 people behind them practically doing the conga out the door.

Oh, and there is only 1 door. so after people are served, they have to snake their way back awkwardly, saying 'excuse me, pardon me" while they try to exit through the same door that now has a small refugee camp huddled inside it.

While I am in there, the skies darken and a thunderstorm erupts out of nowhere. A torrential downpour that brings to mind visions of Katrina threatens to halt the movement of the DMV employees who were already moving in slow motion, but seem to slow down to super slow motion as they look out the window, clucking and shaking thier heads.
I finally make it to the front of the line - with my form signed and my credit card ready - why isn't everyone as prepared as I am? - I mean we have nothing else to do in line, except read signs and notices designed to insult our intelligence. The lady taking care of me slides my card through, takes care of business and basically says I'm done.

"don't I need my picture taken? I'm pretty sure I do" I mention casually.

she eyes me as if I am spawn of satan and snaps "Of course you do!"

She says nothing more, but I take that to mean that I should have been reading her mind, and obediently stand in front of the white screen, directly below the flourescent lighting that will no doubt make me look like the corpse bride - despite the fact that I wore mascara! She takes the picture - twice - because the first time some guy was standing in front of the camera. Not really his fault since in the cramped quarters they mount the cameras directly in front of wickets 2 and 4. where else is the guy supposed to stand? and it would be nice if she had simply asked him to move *before* she took the first picture.

I hate the DMV.

I hate the fact that the people who work there seem to hate it even more.

Finally get away from fraulein von Evilheim, squeeze my way out of the single door without touching anyone else, and run the 4 metres to my car in the pouring rain.

I am soaked.

figures that the one day I wear mascara and it pours down with the most violent thunderstorm we've had this year.

I have 2 more stops to make - first to Staples to make photocopies of some paperwork, and then to the 7/11 to get m&m's that I used as bribery to make my kids behave for daddy (who was working in the basement).

At staples, I see they have changed the way their photocopies work. You have to insert a credit card now.
I look incredulously at the girl working there and say "you must be joking". I look like a drowned rat I'm sure, but she is very polite and tells me how this system is more convenient.
OK, if you really want me to put 7 cents on my mastercard - I will.
I actually like this system, as I don't have to wait in line at the checkout. Just grab my photocopies and head out into the storm, taking care not to get my 7 cent copies wet.

At my last stop, I pull in, just as the power goes out to the entire block. I entered the store in darkness and inquired as to whether I could still purchase something with cash, or did I have to wait for the power to come back. In this day of technological advancement, sometimes progress is such that we 'forget' the old school methods, and rely too much on our electronic gadgets. Kudo's to 7/11 though for allowing me to buy m&m's in the dark.

Made it home in one (wet soggy) piece, with raccoon eyes, and the 'drowned rat' look. The rain lasts for all of 5 minutes and as of my current writing it is sunny and warm and not a single cloud in the sky.

Of course I blame it all on the DMV!