Communication is so important, and something we tend to take for granted.
Those of us who are able to communicate well, often don't understand just how difficult things are for someone who doesn't communicate well - or can't.
One of Duncan's most common phrases is "The light is red".
This means "stop".
So why doesn't he just say 'stop'? I don't know, but 'The light is RED' seems to carry much more weight - It is after all 4 words instead of one.
The phrase comes out nearly every day.
I hear it so often that it just seems normal to me, and I never realized how odd it must sound to anyone outside our immediate family to hear an almost 5 year old blurt out "The light is red" in the middle of Walmart when there are quite obviously no lights around for anyone else to see - but really, in that context it means "you are moving the cart too fast, and I was looking at something and was not quite ready to move on"
Last night when I carried a very sleepy boy upstairs, I heard it again.
He asked me "Can you carry me upstairs?" and I obliged, however the second I stepped into his room the screaming started "The light is RED" and another popular phrase "Go THAT way" and "Start over".
He really wasn't trying to be difficult - although it sure seemed that way to me.
It's hard to differenciate sometimes - what is normal 4 yr old procrastinating at bedtime behaviour and what is caused by his inability to communicate effectively. Last night it was the latter. A crying fit over something quite UNobvious to me, but because I pride myself on being a fairly good communicator (when not put on the spot) I made it my goal to figure out the problem and solve it - fast, mostly because I really wanted him to go to bed so I could have some "relaxing" time - which usually involves cleaning, and plunking my sorry butt down in front of the TV in an exhausted heap while I let the days stresses melt away while watching American Idol hopefuls make fools of themselves.
So, the screaming began when I entered his room? No, actually after I reached the top of the stairs. Why would he ask me to do something and then pitch a fit while I am doing the very thing he requested? Obviously, I had done it wrong, but I actually had to sit and think for 5 minutes until it became obvious to me just what exactly it was that I had done wrong. He had asked me to carry him upstairs. That meant up the stairs. Only the stairs. After the stairs he wanted to walk to his bed, and had he simply said "Can i get down and walk the rest of the way" we could have avoided the whole ugly screaming tantrum.
Instead we had to go downstairs, calm him down and start the whole thing over again - being careful to do exactly what he asked - no more, no less. carry him up the stairs (and just the stairs) and he walked to his room and crawled into bed good as gold.
Effective communication is so crucial to allow him to function. He can go from a briilliant, incredible, and thoughtful little boy, wise beyond his years and with a maturity that belies his 4 years to a seething angry puddle of tears, unable to do anything but cover his ears, hide under a blanket and scream "lalalalalalallalalalallalala" in the blink of an eye - all because of a miscommunication.
But we are working on it.
He is improving, and that is the most important thing.
It is not an easy road, but at least he's moving on it.
Green lights ahead!
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6 comments:
OMG I so feel for you! Zachary has done the same thing for me...the asking me to do something then the fits because I'm not doing it right. We've had almost that exact same scenario of carrying up the stairs. And Zachary talks A LOT...but doesn't communicate effectively apparantly!
And there's nothing wrong whatsoever with plunking your butt down in front of the t.v. at night. You deserve it after such long days!
"I *said* carry me up the STAIRS!" Not even wrong.
In my opinion, taking the time to **figure it out** when these things happen is the key to success. At least it is with Bud. Extreme reactions seldom come out of nowhere for him, and since he can't explain it it's up to me to make sense of it. These situations always make me shudder when I think about the number of kids on the spectrum who don't have people in their lives who try to figure it out, and just blame, scold, yell - or worse.
An aside - I've been reading a lot about echolalia lately, and especially gestalt language aquisition (learning as whole chunks instead of one piece at a time.) One of the things I've learned suggests that for Duncan "the light is red" functions as a single unit - so really, for him "the light is red" is really one "word" and not four. It would also suggest (if I'm understanding correctly) that as his language develops, you'll see him start to string those multi-word-units together the way typical children string single words together (so, for example, "I don't want the light is red.") And then the NEXT step would be breaking down the phrase into its component parts, which can seem like regression because it's often less polished: "You not red to stop me, Mom" etc. This is absolutely the way that Bud's language has progressed.
And one more aside - one of the phrases Bud used to use that baffled people in public places happened every time he saw an exit sign. We'd be at Target, he'd see an exit sign and he'd say "Are you sure you want to quit the Target?" - because of course in his computer games, he clicks "exit" to quit. So "Are you sure you want to quit the X?" really meant "Look, there's an exit sign!"
Jenn! I am SO proud of you for taking the time to figure out what started the episode with Duncan. And then going back to make it better for him.
Those boys are sooo lucky to have you and Chris as their parents.
~Lisa~
Jenn, Duncan is an incredibly lucky little boy to have you for a mommy. Had that been ME, I would not have had the foresight or patience to sit down and think about what he was actually trying to say.
The most interesting thing about reading your post was the realisation that Ethan also does things like this sometimes. He is, IMHO, a very good communicator. But sometimes he throws the biggest hissy fit ever because we don't understand exactly what he means. The difference between him and Duncan is that Ethan simply "omits" the important information but then gets mad that we didn't *know* what he was thinking.
Example. At least once or twice a week, he will get angry because I walk out of the bathroom before him, on the way back to his bedroom. He will start screaming "No!! I wanted to win!!" which means "I wanted to walk in front of you and be the first one to the bedroom." Other times he will not care one bit about who walks in front. As in your story, we have to backtrack to the bathroom, and do it all over. With him "winning". That is the only way to get peace.
I always thought this behaviour was just typical of a 3 1/2 year old. But is it? I'm not sure, but I do know that next time it happens I will be sure to take a leaf from your book and try to work out what Ethan is trying to say. I will listen more. I will put myself in his shoes.
Thank you, Jenn, for being such an inspiration to me.
Fantastic - that's what a mum does so well. It's a tour de force of interpretation and negotiation that grown men cannot do in the political arena! Or in many professional circles. Our children have a 'subtext' of appreciation but mums really remain uncheered, unpaid and generally without the admiration of the world in general. In fact, the world in general tends to 'mark' us on our ability to keep our children out of sight, out of mind. Well done, you!!! :-) Cheers for you.
Oh we so know what you go through in THIS house!! You get so good at being 3 steps ahead and many is the occassion when I catch the sideways glances from strangers when we are out and I actually ask the questions in 'the language' A mere sandwich is a huge undertaking because it has to be determined before hand whether it is to be triangle, rectangle, which juice in which bottle, which socks are safe ones ( no seams please they are evil and must be avoided at all costs, black on monday -friday, white on weekends) We have to remember to say " pretend you are a dinosaur" because if we say " Isaac, you're a dinosaur" he will have a hissy fit because of COURSE he isn't a dinosaur he is a boy, stupid mummy. At times it can all be too much ( espcially with more than one child with autism traits and we won't even begin on what it's like being married to an aspergers man!! BUT life is rich with eccentricities, others' lives begin to seem so dull and unexciting.......we are blessed indeed.
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